


Lightning, Thunder

by pearky



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Phobias, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Sad Ending, Trauma, Triggers, Unresolved Emotional Tension, no happiness here none, poor man is having a rough night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-06 14:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20292895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearky/pseuds/pearky
Summary: He hadn’t even noticed that it was raining but now he was painfully aware, the noise like a cacophony in his head, so loud that he feels like he's going to die from it. When he sees a flash of lightning, he collapses onto his knees.





	Lightning, Thunder

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer, im not diagnosed with PTSD, im only drawing from my own experiences with panic and dissociation. if you suffer from PTSD and find this to be very very off target, im sorry abt that.

The loud squeaking is burning his fucking eardrums out, he slaps his hands over his ears to protect them, squeezes his eyes shut to prevent that ridiculous bright light from blinding him but it’s no use, no matter how much he covers his ears, the sound of a thousand birds is etched so deep into his brain that he knows he’ll never ever get it out of his ears, the light is so harsh that it hurts him through his eyelids. He feels blood, blood on his hands, in his ears, spilling out from his left eye, and he wishes he could scream but blood fills his mouth, too, and he wakes up to his entire body drenched in sweat. 

  
The lean figure curled up in his bed is much too hot right now, the bare chest against his own scalding his skin so he unwraps himself from around the other man and sits up. His eyes are still wide open, his breathing is still fast and uneven. He needs a moment to adjust to reality, convince himself that these are just dreams. Iruka shifts in the bed and Kakashi realises he’ll probably wake up to his absence like he usually does. He stands up and pulls his discarded sweatpants on. He stumbles to the kitchen, pours himself a glass of water on autopilot.

  
He feels so dirty. He can’t bear to look at his hands as they bring the glass up to his mouth, knows what he’s going to see if he does. He lets his other senses guide him just so he doesn't have to _see_.

  
He’s about to head for the bathroom, plans on taking a shower so he wasn't gross next to his lover. He thinks that maybe he would calm down under the cold rush of water. He makes it to the bathroom before a loud noise makes him freeze in his steps.

  
Lightning. Thunder.

  
He hadn’t even noticed that it was raining but now he was painfully aware, the noise like a cacophony in his head, so loud that he feels like he's going to die from it. When he sees a flash of lightning, he collapses onto his knees, tears welling up behind his eyes now closed tight shut, one of his hands covering up his right ear. It's ringing so loud he feels like he would rather actually die than listen to it. The other hand clutches over his nose and mouth, trying to block out the smell, the burning flesh. Despite how much he tries, he sees the same things behind his eyelids, over and over and over, the hundreds of bodies he's left behind - including his friends'. Fucking Sharingan. He knows he will never get rid of these images.

  
He’s on the floor, sobbing so hard by now that he feels like he’s going to pass out. His entire world is spinning around him, he hears his name being whispered and he cries harder into his hand, he can’t tell whose voice it is, can’t tell if it’s his memories or reality. He can’t tell if the hand on his shoulder is real. He tries to throw it off of himself while his Mangekyo activates and flickers out wildly without his control.

  
But then he hears a voice he definitely recognizes as male, and it’s not saying his name, it’s saying _love_ and _honey_ and it’s so calm that it drags Kakashi under for a split second. He accepts the gentle hand on his shoulder this time, then he feels something soft around his face and he lets go, stops clawing at his mouth (he spots blood on his fingers) so Iruka can wrap his mask around his face. It acts like a security blanket for Kakashi. Breathing through the fabric makes him feel safe.

  
He feels calmer after a few more moments of excruciating panic, his shoulders relaxing and his breathing growing more regular. He sits back, letting go of his face and ear and opening his eyes, the tears freely streaming down and wetting his mask. He flinches every time lightning strikes across the sky, his vision is blurred and his breathing is ragged but he understands that Iruka is here next to him and that makes it better. His lover is crouching by his side, whispering something that Kakashi can’t make out at all because he’s at his bad ear.

  
Kakashi only relaxes fully when the thunderstorm dies down and the apartment is dark, no longer illuminated by stray flashes of light. His heartbeat slows back down, his uncontrollable sobbing reduces to forced, shaky breaths, the ringing in his ears is replaced by the pounding of his head. His entire body is numb again, this time more because of the terrible stress he just went through.

  
Iruka wraps around Kakashi when he feels that he’s calm enough for it, watching closely for his body language. The older man doesn’t say anything, stares blankly in front of himself, wraps an arm slowly around Iruka’s waist almost absentmindedly. He seems out of it when Iruka presses gentle kisses to his temple and his cheek, through the mask, when he strokes his face and mumbles quiet words of encouragement to him.

  
Kakashi doesn’t think he can respond to this affection in his current state, so he runs his fingers through Iruka’s hair only to let him know he isn’t mad at him. “I need my pills, Iruka.” He mutters quietly through his mask, his eyes lidded, looking even more tired than usual. He ignores the sigh that Iruka lets out and watches the younger man head to the cabinet, watches the way a hand reaches towards him and needs a moment to realise it's his own. He turns his attention to the blood on his fingers as he hears the rattle of a pill box. He feels like it's an eternity before Iruka is presenting two pills to him. Kakashi swallows them dry.

  
Iruka settles into Kakashi's lap. "Love, you need to see someone about this, maybe Lady Fifth knows someone who can help you. I hate seeing you like this." His voice is gentle and quiet and he goes back to gently stroking his lover's face, soft fingers tracing over the jawline hidden under the mask.

  
"I know you do." Kakashi replies vaguely, because one, he does, two, he feels like Kakashi isn't him right now.

They sit on the bathroom floor for several minutes, all in complete silence, the only noise being Iruka's frequent kisses on Kakashi's face. He presses his lips against Kakashi's every so often but the elder doesn't kiss him back. He doesn't pretend he understands what's going on inside that silver head and Kakashi is happy he isn't being asked questions. He tries his best to be a comforting, familiar presence near Kakashi because he knows he can do that well enough and it can't harm his lover.

He doesn't know how long they've spent on the floor. Could be minutes. Could be hours. Could be seconds. He doesn't even care. 

It's easy to slip away like this, to be so out of it he feels like his body and his mind are separate entities, like Kakashi is over there and _he's_ over here, watching him being kissed by a gorgeous pair of lips. It's easy to feel like he's left the memories with the body he left and that he's now just floating with no real direction. He takes time - how much, he has no idea - to realise when Iruka eventually climbs off of him and takes his hands. Kakashi, the body, lets himself be led to the bedroom again and doesn't protest in the slightest when Iruka helps him lay down and crawls in next to him. He feels no heat against his chest, no emotions, _nothing_. He doesn't protest when Iruka pulls his arm over his body, just inspects the terrible lightning shaped scars on it in wonder.

  
He stares ahead of himself until he passes back out.

**Author's Note:**

> this was written as practice for another fic im workin on which is why its messy n stuf. hope you like it nevertheless. if you have any suggestions please leave em below. kudos and comments are always appreciated. hope you have a nice one!!!
> 
> tumblr here: [pearsasuke](https://pearsasuke.tumblr.com)


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